fighting for the wheel:

why God grants us the free will to mess up (and the grace to keep coming back.)

a bit of backstory…

WHAT A WEEK!

This week was…hard y’all. I can’t even lie. I was feeling so persecuted. Lots of quiet conversations in my “secret place” with my Father, trying to make sense of it all. I spent the better half of my week trying to understand what I was doing wrong? What did or didn’t I do that would explain why God is “punishing” me like this? Why is He making me suffer?!

Now can you guess what this “punishment” and persecution I was so anxious over was?

I didn’t get my way.

That’s right. Still battling with control despite what God taught me just a couple of weeks ago. As much as I trust God, I still find myself fighting to take the wheel sometimes.

I think something that just doesn’t get talked about enough is how hard it is to apply the lessons we learn. In a perfect world, we’d learn a lesson and never go back and make the same mistake again…but this isn’t a perfect world (and we’re not perfect people.) Our emotions (especially for us women) can sometimes spiral out of control for any number of reasons. Suddenly things you thought you overcame creep back up. Issues you thought you addressed bubble to the surface. Things that typically don’t bother you get deep under your skin.

I’m not making excuses for it. But we have to accept that it is a normal part of life. This is why God’s grace is so invaluable. Despite all of the scripture we read, our spiritual communities or the wisdom God Himself may pour out onto us to set us on the right path… we still mess up. We still stumble. But what’s most important is that He loves us anyway.

Some people take that as license to do whatever they want.

“If I’m doomed to make mistakes and God is going to just forgive me anyway, what’s the point in limiting myself and even trying to do the right thing? He gave us free will to do whatever we want, so what’s the harm in using it?”

I’m so glad you asked.

the foundation.

Firstly, let me make it clear: I understand where you’re coming from. The whole “why would God allow this if He didn’t want us to do it?” argument. To explain it further, we have to refer back to the book of Genesis.

When God created Adam and Eve, He created them with the full intention of having dominion over the Earth; He gave them power over all other things on the Earth. You can look at this as the birth of our “free will”. When God created Adam and Eve, He created them in a perfect world. There was no sense of “pain” or suffering, and they didn’t need or want for anything! They were simply put here to procreate and rule over the Earth as His children in bliss and happiness. Meaning that despite all the power they had over the Earth, they were still to defer to Him as their God and their Father; He was still the Ultimate Authority.

When Eve was tempted by the snake (Satan) to eat the fruit from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and influenced Adam to do the same, they both became self-aware. With that self-awareness came shame. They realized they were naked and attempted to “cover up” and hide from God. They wouldn’t have ever had the forethought to “cover up” if they were not aware of their nakedness. When He noticed their coverings, He instantly called them out for what they’d done. As a result God turned Adam’s daily work into a grueling and burdensome toil, and Eve was punished with painful childbirth. Because of that one choice, that ‘original sin’ became a permanent stain on their entire lineage—meaning we all have to suffer the same way. No more free rides..

So, why did God even put the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve if He didn’t want Him to eat from it? Why did He allow Satan to influence and tempt them into eating from it if He didn’t want them to eat from it in the first place?

Simple: it was the first test of our free will (and to set the stage for the rest of the Bible; why things had to happen the way that they did.) I believe God placed that tree there, and allowed Adam and Eve to be influenced by Satan, to test their sense of loyalty and righteousness (similar to how He does in Exodus 16:4).

Let’s say God gave you unlimited money, and allowed you the power to do whatever you wanted across the entire planet! The only catch was you couldn’t visit this one tiny island in the middle of the ocean. Everywhere else? Off limits. But this one little area is the only place you can’t touch. There’s nothing special about this island. Nothing on this island that you can’t get elsewhere, it’s just simply off limits. What would you do?

Well maybe at first, you might be content with having all of that power and influence and money. But eventually, you’ll simply get bored: having any and everything you could ever want? There’s no challenge in that. And as human beings, we need a challenge. We need something to look forward to; some goal to achieve. Many philosophers have touched on this point many times in many ways over the years. We need something to strive towards. So when the game is rigged in our favor and there’s nothing to achieve, we lose interest in what we have and go on the hunt for the next thing to conquer; in this case…that forbidden island.

Again, there’s nothing special about it, except it’s the one place you’re not supposed to go. You were never told exactly why you couldn’t go, so you think “well, why not?”. Suddenly, this small, unassuming island becomes the most interesting thing to you. Your mind becomes consumed with it. And your very nature dictates that you MUST go! After all, God isn’t around. He’s not watching (so you think). And there’s literally NOTHING preventing you from going there. So off you go, taking the best private jet man can make, and you fly over to this forbidden island.

*🚨RED ALERT! RED ALERT!🚨*

Immediately God confronts you, wondering what you’ve done and asking why you’re here! You have no real explanation aside from you were bored and curious. (I mean, why didn’t He just make it physically impossible for you to get to the island in the first place, right?)

Because if He did that, how could He test your true character? The same free will you exercised to be disobedient, is the same free will you could’ve used to listen. Setting it up like this does two things: it puts your loyalty to the test, and it strips away every excuse. It forces you to look in the mirror and see your true colors—not who you think you are, but who you actually are when nobody’s stopping you.

the plot twist.

The truth is, it’s our God-given human nature that drives us to be this way. And this is the very nature that Satan exploits. He knows better than we do that our very nature wants to be disobedient (sin). This is why we struggle with sin. Our Spirit (sense of morality) knows better, but our Flesh (our carnal mind) wants the very thing we’re not supposed to have. Our ambition is like a double-edged sword: one side is righteous determination to achieve and do great things, and the other side is indignation and defiance. The two sides are expressions of the same nature at the root of us all.

In just the Old Testament alone, you’ll read countless stories of how God had been trying to save us from our own human nature throughout history, yet due to that same nature, we sabotage ourselves. 1st and 2nd Kings? Literally just story after story about how God appointed a king to rule over His people and establish His covenant here on Earth, and most of them failed, instead succumbing to what everyone else was doing; praising idols and false gods, committing adultery and sodomy, and otherwise being unethical and immoral. A handful started out promising, but most of them ultimately fell to their human nature.

The most famous example is King Solomon. He was the wisest man alive and started out with pure intentions, but eventually, his 'forbidden island' became the sheer volume of his own power. He took hundreds of wives and ended up worshipping their gods, squandering the very wisdom God gave him. It's a common mistake to think God endorsed Solomon's lifestyle; the reality is that Solomon is a warning label, not a role model. He proved that even with all the wisdom in the world, you can’t outrun your own nature without discipline.

Note: Many people misunderstand the story of Solomon or take it completely out of context, thinking God was ok with these things and He blessed him because of it. The reality is God blessed him for his character and Solomon squandered it all away due to him committing idolatry and giving in to his sinful nature. The more you know!

Let’s be honest: if God, in all His power and all His might, came down and sat right in front of you, you wouldn't dare sin. You’d be on your best behavior out of sheer reverence and intimidation. But that’s not a test of character—that’s just being scared of the Big Boss.

God stays 'hidden' from our immediate sight for a reason. It’s the only way the test works. After all, a choice isn’t a choice without the freedom to make said choice. When it feels like nobody is watching and there’s no immediate 'threat,' that’s the only time your choices actually mean something. It’s easy to be righteous when the Creator of the Universe is staring you down; it’s a whole different game when it’s just you, your desires, and a choice.

the confirmation.

I think this is why it’s so important and why Jesus called us to “crucify our flesh”. The flesh WILL want to sin. As explained, that’s the nature of it. But our job here on Earth is to fight the urge as best as we can, and prove to God which master we want to serve? Him, the one true God, or the flesh (Satan)? He gave us free will. So what are we going to use it for? To give in to our fleshly desires or to pray and seek Him when the temptation to sin arises? We have the freedom to do both.

So earlier this week, when the desire to “control” things reared its ugly head again, at first I began to question myself.

“Did I really learn this lesson? Do I really trust God as much as I think I do? Maybe I’m not good enough to be His daughter. I always mess up, I can never get anything right.”

SHAME.

And this is one of the main ways Satan attacks us, when we inevitably give in to sin, he tries to use that to get us to justify giving into sin. We let shame and guilt consume us and then *snap!* Just like that, he’s got you. Sometimes just for a moment, sometimes for much longer.

But God is understanding and He knows our hearts. When you come back to Him and you sincerely repent, He hears you and He forgives you. He doesn’t hold it against you; His mercies are new every morning. Jesus died for our sins, so his sacrifice more than makes up for our transgressions, which is why it’s important to accept him into your heart as your Lord and Savior. He saved us…from eternal damnation, yes, but he also from saved us from ourselves and our inevitable sins.

In the end, I stopped beating myself up and I realized that my desire to control was a 'stumble,' not a 'premeditated choice' to leave God. I went to Him and cried out, seeking His help and guidance—proving that even when I fall, my intention is still to walk with Him.

I believe God cares most about our intentions. That’s why you can’t just 'game the system' by saying, 'I’ll sin now and just repent right before I die.' It doesn’t work like that.

Think about how our own laws work. There’s a huge difference between an accident and something premeditated. If someone takes a life by mistake, we see it as a terrible accident. But if someone took the time to plan a murder, step by step, that shows their true heart. They wanted the outcome. You can’t beg for leniency when you spent your whole life executing a plan to ignore the rules.

Remember, God is omniscient; He’s inside your thoughts. So many people think they’re ‘getting away with murder' because they look righteous at church, but they’re intentionally choosing a life of sin behind the scenes. I think that in God’s eyes, that’s actually worse! They have the Bible, they hear the Truth, and they put all that effort into seeming righteous, but they make conscious choices to be sinful.

This is where the 'test' of life comes in. We all fall short: we all sin. As it’s written, the righteous may fall seven times, but they get back up (Proverbs 24:16). Being righteous isn't about never falling; it’s about being disciplined enough to make the conscious choice to get back up and try again and again; taking up our crosses daily.

The Tree in the Garden wasn’t a trap; it was the gift of choice.

wrapping up.

Life is essentially one long, daily re-run of that first test. Every time we choose to get back up after a fall, or choose discipline over an easy urge, we are choosing life. It’s not about being a perfect person; it’s about being a person who intentionally wakes up and shows God every single day:

I choose You..

* * *

so tell me…

We’ve all had those 'I’ve learned this lesson already' moments. How has your view of 'free will' changed after seeing it as a gift of love rather than a trap? In what areas are you currently struggling in? How do you handle it when you stumble over the same habit again?

Drop a comment and let’s discuss. I’m interested in learning how we all navigate this in our own way.

in grace and peace,

gina. 💙